Adam Gow 0:07

Welcome back to once a DJ. On this episode, we pick up where we left off with Dan Baxter, aka Peter Parker. We ended part one at the point of Dancehall, and with the Grand Central band and finger thing started to take shape. In the words of Dan himself, let's go. So at what point with the touring was it whilst you were on tour that you realised, right? We need to do an album an album of this? I was it mark that suggested it.

Peter Parker 1:14

Adam Gow 5:30

Yeah. So what was what was the process like with the album, did it? Did it take a while doing the first album? Or was it like Bosh? Bosh? Bosh?

Peter Parker 5:41

Right. So what happened was, at that time, when I was talking about the eardrum night that was going on at collider with the double bass and the drummer playing over the tunes, and that the drummer was a guy called James Ford. Right, James Ford now is possibly a dare I say, like the like the sort of George Martin, of producers. Right now. He had, like, I think three of the Mercury Music nominated artists, he produced three of the albums, like this guy is just an he had the talent then, but now he has become if you see what I mean. And what it was, was like, oh, James is James is doing some production now. Why don't you go in with him. And between him and sneak there was just this massive level of trust. Because they've been already playing and doing all this, they were great friends. And I just slotted into that. You know, I just slide into that. I just want it to be around people who are fucking more talented. And just, you know, try and soak it up and be myself, but just very, very eager. And yeah, there was this place in d'esprit and the son has a group called Simeon. He'd started this group called Semyon and was producing their album at the time. We actually did an EP first. Right, let me just rewind a little bit before the EP, there was a tune called Atomic Drop. It was like central heating. So central heating to was grand Central's sequel to central heating one, which was a big compilation showcase for all the artists on the label. Yeah. We've been touring and doing all this stuff and slotted in it's like, right, centrally in TOS coming up. Do you want to do a tune? To go on that? Like, Fuck, yeah, let's go, you know, how are we going to facilitate this? And it was James, he was like, the sort of missing piece in terms of like, how can we get together and record something. But it was the same principle of like, we took, I don't think I don't think we had a demo. It wasn't like, Oh, I've made this and you gotta go and record it in a studio. And we went with ideas. And I think that's how we wanted it as well, because he wanted to, like CO produce. So it wasn't like, you know, we've got this idea we go in, and he kind of, you know, polishes it down and like takes off the raw edges. And, you know, makes it like this lovely finished product. It was more like us just going in with like a load of audio Lego. And then we get into his room, and we just start building and, you know, it's like, Oh, Dan, what are you into? I love arcade games, kung fu films, wrestlers, comics, cartoons, you know, metal, and sneak is just like, right? Well, I've got a double Blace I can have a great HLS it's looking like, oh my god, you know? And yeah, we just set about like, right, let's throw a load of that in. And I ended up using like a just various bits and bytes, you know, various parts. And we were literally just like, I wouldn't say cobbled because I don't think that's the right. Like we had the intention of making something killer, you know, so that's not cuddling is a?

Adam Gow 9:09

No, did you when you were making it? Did you have conversations and kind of break it down in a way of like, okay, we're building this thing. But if we build it like this, this is how we can play it out.

Peter Parker 9:23

Yeah, so yeah, you definitely like when we, when we will go out and do the stuff on tour with rain, Christian, and whatnot. All I really had to use at that point was kind of scratch records. You know, they're the ones that have the sounds on and they're the ones that have the sounds on with the bits that I need next to each other. It's not just you know, so at that point, that was actually all I could really go in news, because that was all I really had access to that would be how could you say like a producer's perspective, but from behind turntables. It's So to be able to put something together and yeah, that was that was always like yeah, I guess like a stipulation, you know, we want to be able to do this but I think at that time, I was just so sucked into like the scratch pickles and seeing them scratch drums my Do you not I mean seeing them scratched rooms, it just changed everything like, because I started to see almost all the sounds, I wanted to just do the same patterns that I would do when I would scratch drums and stuff like that. And then you just kind of find the more that you start listening to all these different sounds, some apply better, to, you know, certain ones than to others. And it's just like a process of elimination until you find whatever it is that you're tweaking. It just sounds sick. You know, like, wow, you know, I just felt sick. Yeah,

exactly. I think listening back to it. You can really hear the kind of scratch pickles influence, particularly Mike because it's got that like cinematic thing to it as well. Like,

so. The Yeah, like the thing about is like, I was into all of that shit when I was growing up from my own volition, like when I liked the Jeff love records and the jaws themes and the string orchestration and everything. That's some of my oldest memories. There was a Japanese girl that came, unfortunately for her to my school for a bit. And there were so many creature features of the Godzilla films, so me and a couple of the other nerds who were like bangin so that they were showing them on Channel Four, like late on on a Friday night. I was obsessed with like, clucking these I fucking love them. And then we befriended the Japanese girl. And we'll get her to write the names of the Godzilla films in Japanese because it just fought it looks sick. But we had no idea how to do it. You know what I mean? And then you get bollock for like, ruin in the lesson and fucking do it already in or out, and I'll ruin it for her or whatever. But like, all these things, what Mike did was like, introduced like, Nah, you could look at it like this, you know, like, the way that he does, every fan is different. Anyway, it's like and then so on that risk of fury. I saw that and he's like, showing bits of gamma films, I had no idea about gamma. And I didn't know what that was, and a bit of an ultrasound film as well. But I know I'm like, what's going on? I love all these like, creature features, like, how come I haven't seen that stuff? Because it just not had access to Japanese Telly, you know, like the, you know, apart from like, Battle of the planets and all the stuff, you know, the stuff that did come like direct from Japan, everybody else in the UK. But yeah, monster films. I think Channel Four just thought it was like a niche thing. So I'll say they would just show it but it became like a new obsession when that started.

Yeah, so something else I wanted to ask you about on the first album. And this is kind of getting a bit granular but I think it's a really interesting one is like you fly me. Is that the biggest tune on the album? Today downloads wise. And that's the tune is not got any scratching on? Yeah, right. Yeah. So for you in recording that, uh, you like, so it's kind of like Ringo knew to not go mental. Right? When he was doing Phil's into flat. He knew when he didn't need to be there. Were you like, this doesn't need me aren't like what, like, how was it for you? Or was it someone else's idea for you not to call on it? No,

it wasn't. It's just like I saw I just brought the drums, the drums in that. They are like, when I heard of the sharp sauce like this? Sometimes, yeah. What do you mean the sharp and you're like just buy in. It's like being at sea into the future like that. This light is an instant love affair with just a bit of audio or whatever. And it's like, this is going to be amazing, whatever this touches. And so with the album this is kind of jumping forwards and backwards a little bit but with the album, we ended up kind of writing some demos. And then I think what did we do? It was like it was like, okay, like that 70% snake like that you fly me that arrangement and everything he just got. He got on it was it was I hope he doesn't mind me the same but it was it was like it was a love letter to his partner, you know, and that year hear me let me do some scratches on it. Yeah, it's gotta go. Yeah. Yeah, that's why it's low cut. So you know, it's like he Uh, yeah, it's like he wrote that. And I was like, oh my god, like these drawings. This is this is it. And then it was like, oh record and a bit of triangle and some shakers and stuff. And I think if I remember right when he went in to record that I wasn't there, I just already put the drums down. And it was like, right, okay. Because when you're doing an audio love letter to your partner, you know, I mean, you don't want a fucking scrap, you know, or whatever. There's a huge amount of respect between us, you know, where it's like, maybe, yeah, knowing and knowing when something's not right, and having them being able to swallow whatever it is, you know, and be like, actually, I don't think I needed. All right, I don't think it's necessary. You know, what's a so is when someone comes back, and he's like, Nah, you are needed, and you are going on it. That's cool. You know, but for someone to come forward and just be like, I'm not so sure. It's cool. Because it can start a transaction. Maybe someone's saying that because they feel uncomfortable. Or maybe they feel really sure about it. But if someone comes back and says, like, you know what you are like, I can hear what you should be doing? Or I think you should go here or that can like instil a massive amount of confidence when you don't normally other you know. So, yeah, but the you find me, so basically, after the after, essentially, into we made that track, it was like, yeah, there's a there's a goal. This is what we signed in like, you know, it did pretty well. It was received, you know, and then it was only a couple of months before like, guys do an EP, were like, Let's go, let's just you know, and this whole time, they was like, What can I put this looks like fireworks going off, you know, my life, all of a sudden, I'm not in Asda a bit, this one thing. And now I'm going all over the place. And in my downtime. I'm going to record in studios, which are only bedrooms. I mean, the bedrooms with some good care. But to me, like I was like, it's like, Fuck, man. I've done it. I've done it. This is it, you know. And so yeah, we were offered a, we were offered a, we made the EP, which was another thing, just making stuff from the ground up. And at that point, we wanted to use the baseline that sneek had first on, which is fat, add the brown owl in it. And then that one that was like, that was something that he'd had up his sleeve. And he just saved it for this one time when it was just me in the room, really. But we wanted to record that we were like this thing that we did. That's who we are. That's an important part of it. It's not just about sampling some beats and cotton and recorded some bass on it. It's like, we do it all between us. Just let us do that as well. Yeah. And Max, like for sure. Go for it. Go for it. And then we bring back this thing and it's like build up ever. And they pluck it Mark was just like Parker, this is dope. You know, that's what you want

to hit every time you refer to when you say Right, I'm saying Parker I just imagine Jameson. How Spider Man back here. Yeah,

though. Parker? Yeah. That's kinda like, Oh, yeah. pakka pull that bloody camera down. Or, you know, yeah. Like, I was holding a camcorder on the the other stage at Glastonbury, you know, like, 17,000 people are just having a time of our life like this. And we're actually doing a gig, but I've just fucking filled this pocket. Yeah, I've got some footage from that as well. I'm just gonna get it converted. I've got these aren't. Yeah, I've got these old tapes. So that baldachin to anyone who's listening if you want to actually hear that it did actually happen and it'll probably be on YouTube in a few months.

So at what point did you bring in the friend of ours from college? i Sorry, I forget his name the for to do in the great yeah, for doing the graphics.

Yeah, so Chris, right. This is another cool story. So Chris Drori right. So before I did the DMC thing I said I was at art college and Matt and I met Chris there we became best friends because he was on this corner table where I thought all the coolest lads were they were all in software park they all smoked weed. And that you know, like fuckin tick tick

the bed stones being cool when you seven to come on,

Yeah.

What the fuck Well, and that's our shit. Like, where the fox who's this where, you know, and then they, I remember reading the promo sheet that got the single and meeting the promo sheet for it. And they'd already created the characters. So there was no talk of like, because they kept it all secret for a few years, you know, and it was just talking about these kinds of car to band members. oxide on, did my head and by the way, we just carried on it was like, you know, we are, we're on our own. We're on our own plane. And once we, there was a point, actually, after doing the first album, like and where it was, like, how are we going to draw this? How are we going to do it? And it was like, right, we're going to have a screen. You know, you're going to make these visuals and we're going to we're going to have them go in whilst we're, whilst we're playing. We'll go over side of the screen, but we're practically facing each other or like, you know, you Yeah, I just like, you know, you'll get paid we'll all get paid the same amount. Everything. You know, that's that's how that's how we'll do it.

Yeah, and you did three albums, didn't you into or Yeah,

did three albums. That was like part of the that was part of the contract. We did like numerous EPs and bits and bobs. But as part of the grand central thing, after we've done that first EP, it was like, sign a three album deal. I mean, sneak with that naive. Yeah, we sneak was like, I'm a member of the musicians unit. It's like us sick. He's like they've got a lawyer are sick. So we'll send him the contract. And he can say like, you know, whether it's kosher, or you know, whatever. So we did great. It seems like all you got to do is join the musicians union. I'm like, I'd love to be part of the musicians union anyway. Like, there again, it's like that affirmation, like, you know, that I think I needed or wanted so much. But then so. Yeah, that came back the lawyers like, yeah, it's all legally binding and all kind of aboveboard. He didn't say it's not a great start. Great deal. A lot of guys or anything like that. It's just like, it was nothing illegal on?

Was it not as good as it could have been? Then? Do you think you're happy to like, it depends if you're happy to talk about that or not. So

Was it? Was it a consistent schedule, then over those three albums? Like was this where you're touring as much and stuff and, and recording as much and did the did the energy and the enjoyment stay throughout? Yeah,

but like, so. I mean, to be really, I mean, we were enjoying ourselves a lot, you know, every day, you know. So, when we came home from touring, we just came home with half the rider. Everything else that we needed, you know, we would just live pretty much at home that the life that we were doing, do you know what I mean? Like, and like I'm, so we're in that shared house, right? We're in that shared house and all of a sudden, it's like, right, you've got a record deal. You've got this What would you like to do with it? You know, right. And he this they're SO WHAT THE FUCK OUT what an MPC I want DJ noise. I want you to get in touch with him or what I do attract with noise. You know all this, like, I'd already been doing gigs with noise and met his manager, Matt Azad, who was the guy who popped fresh 97 Odd. Yeah. So all these crazy things are happening all of a sudden, like I'm doing this thing where I've got this outsider's view of a festival and what it's like as a punter go in, and then a year and a half later, I've got an insider's view of of what it is, it's a very different, very, very different thing. And almost in a sense that innocence is once you lose that of the mystique of like gigs music, the way that you listen to music over all that time. So, you know, I suppose like when you start putting, turning your head to like making stuff, and creating, there has to be a level of scrutiny towards everything that has come before it and music that you started to listen to music differently, I started to listen to hip hop differently. Everything because I was just examining it and ripping it apart and teaching myself to and listening to all different types of music all together, back to back and to as like a almost trying to condition myself to like being more open minded than what I did what I thought I needed to, you know, so I would, you know, like, learn that thing about sneaking into like the jazz and funk console and all that. A metal and hip hop. Yeah. And it's like the meat, like the hip hop, of course, with sampling and the funk, soul and jazz, like Yeah, but I just didn't have access to those records. I wasn't listening. So that stuff, I heard it via the via the means of, of hip hop music, which is which is sampling, you know, but from the outset, I just was just like a sponge everything and live in that life being on tour all the time, being surrounded by people who are not only in bands, making music themselves, all different types of stuff percussionist listening to, you know, three guys chanting in a fucking forest somewhere and nodded his head. And, you know, like, while you're listening to like, put it on and like, fucking how, you know, wow, you know, I like that's amazing like that. You buzz off that, you know, it's like, you know, and just having that inquisitive nature with every thing and everyone all that time and like, and also like, you know, hadn't even been making tunes that long, you know, so it was all just this but we're all in the same house, we're all under one roof, you know, with all these other crazy dudes like different creatives, lovely, lovely people, but just stuff like, it's pretty lawless, and just having incredible experiences and everything just fed right back into the music. And I. And as soon as I move in, I'm bringing the PlayStation the chip PlayStation with every fan and every game under the sun that you can think of. Right like wrestling. just far too many video games, in fact, you know, but the wall of videos would go floor to ceiling. Yeah,

that kind of thing. Did you? Did you at any time kind of feel like it was too much in like, it would have been like healthy to just step out of it for a few weeks every once in a while? No,

not at all. No, not for you. Not even for one second. Like it was kind of like, I felt like I'd found my I felt like I found my tribe. You know, at that time. Like it wasn't just Chris and sneak once I moved into that house, it was Droid and Bong, and Mike, and just like, and Tim, it sort of a peep.

So here's one for you then. And so I DJ with the band for a bit. It was it was as much as anything it was for the social aspects. And I just start scratch on I don't know, if three tunes and fire off a few samples. Nothing too crazy. But with that, I think for me, I think of scratching is more of like a free form instrument. And what I struggled with is because we you know, we go and gig and stuff like that. And it's just like rehearsing and doing the same thing every time. I really struggled with like, how were you with that? Because you got to be tight when you perform at these festivals and things like did you have room to play around? Or are we happy to just stick to the the exact sort of blueprint,

I still have, and never have done the same thing, the same consecutively. Like any time anyone's seen finger thing or anything. That's I think that's the thing about routines. I actually I don't call I don't use that word because like, that's something where it's like this and it has to be then has to fit to that parameter. And I have trouble up here. With that. I I'm like it's just going. That's all I can say. It's just going and I'm there I am there. I'm just probably not where you expect me to be. Like I like with the finger thing stuff. And that's why I love playing with snakes I Love You know, it's just this he like, and that just thing it's like that freedom. And like, yeah, I just have great difficulty with doing the same thing. The same? Yeah, after and so even like all the courts and everything. As long as I used the samples that I was asked to use, I would generally do something different. You know? And that would not be like I just, I wouldn't be able to do it the same if I tried, if you see what I mean. Like so when it came down to like recording when it came down to recording like solos and stuff like that with the finger thing stuff. A lot of it would just be sit there and I would just keep going. You know, it wasn't like oh, right, you've got 16 bars, okay, I've been working on it for three weeks go down a little bit poorer than the bitter, bitter, but I'm sure none of that is just like, just let me go for a bit. I'll just go you know, and then we'd go back and like Pixa and bits like fucking out what you did, there's really good. I'm like, Okay, let's go record. I'll do that again. No problem.

So with the finger thing, then what what was it that stopped you from doing doing the fourth album? Was it because it was the end of the contract? Or was there other opportunities that have come up?

stuff for the first time that we'd like to marjoram and Basie sort of stuff that you did.

from shadow.

So that affirmation, yeah, that that kind of stuff, where I really did. Um, it's like, I genuinely like that thing about imposter syndrome, or feeling like I do I have the right to be there. I've always had that. Always my entire life when I go in places, and I don't know, I would always feel like, alone. And but then to have an occasion where just with certain people say something like that, after that. I was it was like that validation. Do you know what I mean? And it was like, and that and that's what, that's that whole tour. That's what it did. It kind of validated us as being something that like, now we are doing it, you know, we are, you know, yeah. Yeah, even though record sales and all that and the way things were, you know, we went over to Russia. One time, and, you know, we got told that we were selling big in Russia. And the we went over and the promoter. This guy's name was Boris. And he's like, Yeah, guy, so you sell big. He's, we sold like 20 copies. Wow. 20 copies, you know, not really having, you know, like, somebody said she was selling well, or whatever. Not having that perspective. All right, well, only 500 copies were pressed. You know, there wasn't there was no streaming. There was no sales. You know, it was just like anything we got given. We gave it people you know, you get promo so you get copies. I don't even have that stuff. I've just given it to people. You know, cuz it just, I don't know. Yeah, like, easy come easy. Go excited. No, isn't it? That's all it was made. The whole thing is just pure energy. Adrenaline, you know, for good or for bad. It was just that whole, whole period. And, you know, all I did was just embrace it all. I just got tired 24/7 The whole time and which ultimately, you know, didn't do us any favours, you know?

So what was it then that kind of caused the wheels to fall off? I'm sorry, I'm saying that loaded. I don't know. Like, how it kinda like tied up in the end, but because you said that. There's been ups and downs, but it sounds like so far, just aside from shadows manager being a bit funny. That's the only real thing I guess. So far.

But it just it just Yeah, it was like it started to rot or something inside me. And I think I don't think I became or was looking at making music the same. You know, I actually had my eyes on. I. So the debt that we started building up was so big that we started getting a bit scared. Yeah, yeah. Like we were like, what, what, how are we going to pay this off? So we're all just live it we're still living together, but we're all a bit depressed, because it wasn't going how we want That's a goal and all of a sudden, it wasn't like you going out and doing gigs and making this money. It's just like, now you just you've got this this big ass debt which would go up and down as well, you know, everything our our time with Gary was built on a handshake. So yeah, what I did was I was a bit like, right I think I'm just gonna say, I'm gonna I want some time off, you know? And that's, that's what I did. There was another another guy and MC you had a project called the real dolls. And he was like, would you produce the real dolls album, he asked me to be in the real dolls and bless him really want it to be, you know, like, on the first day of go into play with the band. You didn't even tell them? Didn't tell them? You know, he's just like, oh, yeah, there's a new guy, there's a new band member coming in, and he's going to produce the shit that two lads who was in the room, they were doing it, you know, he didn't tell me this. He didn't tell me this at the time. But I walked into a fucking shitstorm very small shitstorm at the time, but like just something which was just so confusing from the very first moment and, and I told Gary like, I'm gonna go and do this thing. I need some time off finger thing to be really honest, the music it's there. But it ain't right. You know, it's not. We we have the equivalent of an album that we'd sent to that we sent to an institution. But it was like, it was like it was half. It just had this thing. It had this bit missing, which was the magic, I guess, or whatever the inexplicable thing, but it was the stuff. Yeah, I'd lost faith. I'd lost faith not only in in, in, in, in like the future. It wasn't what I had perceived. And what I wanted so much for it to be it wasn't going to be that. And I didn't know what the what the other thing was all I knew that was to get out of this debt. Yeah. So I just said to Gary, like, Look, I need some time off, you know, need a year out. I'm going to go and do this other thing. Then I'm going to come back fresh, and we'll do the finger thing stuff. And we'll honour all that and it'll all be cool. And it just never happened. You know? So effectively what happened was we just cut ties. They, they came to see the real dolls thing because I didn't tended to kind of carry on enough then do the real doll saying because I saw that as like, my ego. Even though I had lost faith in the sampler and my ego was still there. So I believed I could produce an album even though I've never done that, you know, I had no fucking idea I just made beats and that you know, but said I could do it. And yeah, it was a shame, and sneaks, sneaks. Sneak ended up moving to Berlin. That was when he moved. Like, it must have been for me to come home one day and say look, I need some time out from finger thing. Must have been fucking heartbreaking. It was heartbreaking for me. Yeah, I actually not only did I like sort of, like, call it a timeout on it. It was like call it a timeout on our friendship. And not fought me. Yeah, like Chris, as well. Like sneak. And like I'm so I had a long standing girlfriend, who was like, you know, also like a best friend and broke from that as well. Thinking that everything that I was doing was for the right reasons like I needed to go out on my own and find my own way. Not a good idea. That is effectively sneak. I remember them loading up the car and it's like he's like that I'm gonna move to Berlin with Lena, you know, like they got married and she didn't really rate Manchester a bit too cold. You know, for she she was from Kuala lumper originally the mat in Kuala lumper. But she wanted to go to Berlin. You know, when sneak I guess you know, it was like, that moment the opportunity had knocked, you know, it comes so it wasn't like leader wouldn't be taking them away from anything anymore. It was like now we can go. So I think she made it all right with him, you know where he was alright with it. But we're just fucking heartbroken. And I just went and moved into a flat on my own thinking that me breaking off from everyone was the, you know, the best thing and unfortunately, like, it was like that started to become like the hardest time of my life. You know, for the next three years. I'd got into this relationship, a long distance relationship with someone that it was like, it was it was it was so toxic. Like But at that point, like, that was kind of something that I've, to me that was still quite a thrill, you know, that kind of all of that year, I really went for it. That's all I could really say. And, and, yeah, I just started to like, it was just like this kind of self deterioration. And I started to distance myself from everybody, you know, and like, kind of somewhat broken up with this kind of light, like, you know, like girlfriend, longtime girlfriend, and then my best friends who had literally become family with it all broken, it all ended, and then it was just me, you know?

Yeah. Wow. So what did that three years consist of, then?

It consisted of me. It just taking loads, loads, loads and loads of drugs. After receiving the news that, like sampling was an issue. I had stopped scratching hand. Like, I like at that time, like cut in and every fed, it was, like, felt like, you know, it was weird. Like, I guess with the finger thing, you know, experience, it was like, I'd found everything, you know, but then, just at the same time, that became a point where it's just, that was no longer the case, you know, and it was like, the Fallout or whatever you want to call it, like, Chris was in a relationship, and wasn't too far away. And, you know, sneak was okay, in building this new life. And I was just in this flat and yeah, like, it was kinda like, my own choices, and the things that are done, I only had myself to kind of talk it through with which, you know, when I didn't want to listen, and really, so. Yeah, so it was just, like, more and more, you know, like, yeah, kind of taking drugs and like, on my own, you know, like, pretending that everything was alright, so I'd go out and still do like the real doll stuff and make like this kind of different music with some other people, but from the outset, that was jarred from the outset. So it was just like, a sort of, unfortunately, a lot of things kind of going wrong or just not going right. And had just come from that. Yeah. I mean, so it was just, like, just a feeling of being lost, you know. And, and, yeah, but there was there was a, there was a, there was a, how could you say, like, yeah, I was, I was still gigging and started, I was going to do a lot of stuff in Hungary. Because that's, yeah, like, where like, like this relationship. The girl I was seeing in this long term relationship with and she was a DJ as well, and kind of new promoters and stuff. And yeah, so and then I met these, these other guys that were did finger thing gigs, but then would go out and like, spend time with them and go dig in with them. And like, get these Hungarian breaks and all this stuff and all this shit. And I've never lost, I never lost like, I never lost my passion for it. It was just like losing the outlet. You know, it was like losing the outlet for it. Or did I? Because then, like, other people will just would just say, Oh, no, you just record the tracks, make your own CD and pedal it yourself and go and do these things. But I just just incapable of all of that. You know,

I think as well with doing something like that. Something that you've repeatedly talked about is getting that affirmation. And I don't think self releasing would necessarily tick those same boxes for you. That's not that that's you go in, I think MRI that's not someone putting their hands around you and going, you're right. I'm going to put this out.

Yeah, yeah. So I guess like, like a loss of loss of like, loss of confidence and a loss of faith and like this relationship that I was in was so toxic. So toxic, right that at first it was just like a fucking the night like the wildest ride that I could ever imagine. Because I'm what it's a kind of experience, I guess. But it was actually, I come out. I'm a nice guy, and I'm very sensitive. And like, yeah, like stuff happened to me that I guess so I'm going through this experience while I'm just taking shitloads of drugs and I'm a bit lost. I go through this experience where my self esteem I actually I actually started to receive some of the treatment that maybe I've been dishing out three months one is you know, via just be it like being egotistical and you know, go going around and just doing, you know, whatever. And just thinking that that's okay. And it isn't, you know, and when that's and, and when that came back to me in the form of a relationship via someone who was all too comfortable with that shit, like, so comfortable that it just crushed me. You know, it crushed me, like I over those years like I just I stopped I self destructed I self decimated, you know, and I was all I was up for it, you know, I was actually up for it. So I was just continuing, there was no like, there was no like, what I'm doing is bad. I had like this little tiny bit at the bottom of my mind that knew that what I was doing was was was not right, and it wasn't good for me. But also, like, I also had this element where I was actually quite ashamed of what I was doing. So I wanted to keep it all really secret. And also, I didn't tell anyone you know, and and so I'm doing this stuff, which is really bad. And then I'm getting I'm in a relationship which is really bad and actually taking like some really vital parts of yourself of who you are as a person like stripping that down to nothing actually. Yeah, that's the way it went. May I was really close to like, really close to it not going well.

I think what we're going to have to do is we're going to have to do a legendary first time ever third recording

amaro

basically had to go off and meet someone so we stopped the recording there. But there's so much more to get into that I thought it best to split this into a three parter. So I hope you've enjoyed what you've heard. Stay tuned for the final instalment of the Peter Parker story. Until then, see ya.

Thanks for listening to the one to DJ podcast. If you've got any questions or feedback or any suggestions for guests, please just get in touch with us at once a DJ podcast@gmail.com or on Instagram at once a DJ podcast. Take care. We'll speak to you soon. That was nice.